


Vivarium (alternatively titled "Whoever Said 'Love Is Selfless' Was Full Of Shit")

by MsOzma



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, High School AU, Humanstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-02-19 02:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2370704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsOzma/pseuds/MsOzma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>vi·var·i·um</strong><br/>ˌvīˈverēəm/<br/><em>noun</em><br/>an enclosure, container, or structure adapted or prepared for keeping animals under seminatural conditions for observation or study or as pets; an aquarium or terrarium.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unwanted Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> This started as me seeing a Tumblr post saying something along the lines of "don't take me on a date to the aquarium 'cause I'll ignore you," and then some bastard was like, "but that would be great because then we can stare at our partner being happy and enjoying themselves," and then I reblogged it with a bunch of tags with a Feferidan scenario. Then, in my spare time, I decided to pen down the first chapter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You didn't even _want_ to go to the aquarium.

You didn’t even _want_ to go to the aquarium.  You only reluctantly decided to because Fef wouldn’t stop hounding on you about doing it with her.  Matters became worse when she didn’t even acknowledge you.

You were content to spend the rest of the day ignoring her the same way she was ignoring you…until you glanced at her and saw something you had never seen before.

And you realized then just how fucked you were.  
  


* * *

  
“No.”

“ _Pleeeease Eridan?_ ”

“NO.”

It was a Saturday, and you were planning to simply lay in your bed, leave on your PJs, and spend the day doing AP homework.  Of course, this was before your friend Feferi burst the bubble on those plans and decided to call you.  Now you were sitting upright with your iPhone to your ear, while she was trying to get you to go to the aquarium with her again, and with you refusing her invite _again_.  Which all of course lead to you two arguing.  **_Again._**

Honestly, this routine was getting all too familiar for the two of you.  You weren’t sure why you _didn’t_ expect these phone calls at this point.

“Fef, you know I got a lotta homework to do,” you told her.

“That is _such_ a load of bull-carp!” she said, and _fuck_ , why did she have to add those fish puns at every opportunity?  They weren’t cool when you both were 8, why would she think they’d be cool when you were both 17?  “You can handle taking a break!” she continues.  “You and I both know you’re doing _just fine_ in your classes!”

“Yeah,” you maintain, “but my grades aren’t gonna _stay_ fine if I go gallavantin’ with _you_ all day.”

“ _COME ON_ ,” she groaned. “You never do _anything_ with me anymore!”

“Why the hell do you want me to go with you _anyway?_ ” you question.  “It ain’t like you need two people to go look at fucking _fish_.”

“I just want to go with a friend!” she said.  “And the friend I want to go with is _you_.”

You knew what direction this was going to head in when she first asked you to go to the aquarium with her.  She was going to yell at you for being distant, for not talking about your _feelings_ with her (which weren’t honestly her business _anyway_ ), and then you’d come up with some bullshit “you-of-all-people-shouldn’t-be-wanting-to-see-imprisoned-sea-animals-anyway” bit that you honestly didn’t even believe in.  You didn’t care about those confined, mindless creatures in the fucking _slightest_.  You just…

Truth be told, you didn’t really _know_ why you were so adamant in not hanging out with Fef lately.  Well…you knew it _probably_ had something to do with her new boyfriend/pet _Sollux_ , how much you _hated_ him, and how Fef basically dragged him _everywhere_ with her, but even that had very little to do with _this_ situation.  She was asking you to spend time with her, and her alone.  And she had done it plenty of other times when asking to go to the aquarium—in fact, only a couple of those times actually involved having Sol join as well (you simply hung up on her those times).

But still.  Somehow, knowing she would be spending a few hours with you, only to have you bring her home where she would probably immediately call Sol, or—worse yet—actually ask you to _drop her off at his house_ …it just rubbed you the wrong way.  But telling her that outright would just make things even _more_ stressful between the two of you, especially since you really didn’t know _why_ her being with Sol really bothered you in the first place.

“ _Eridan_.”

He voice was frail and soft when she spoke.  Goddammit, you knew what she was going to say, but fuck if you expected her to sound so _vulnerable_.

“I just really miss hanging out with you, you know?” she said.  “Yeah, we see each other in biology all the time, but then it’s never just _us_.”

 _Yeah, and who’s fucking fault is_ that _?_ you wanted to bite.  But you kept it to yourself.

“You don’t even come to sit with me at lunch anemone-more!  You just go and hang out with Karkat, and leave me completely _friend-deprived_.”

It was true.  You had been spending a lot of time with your friend Karkat, at the behest of spending time with her.  But really, could she blame you?  Could she really fault you for not wanting to witness her making stupid ogly eyes at Sol while they both held hands and kissed each other on the cheeks and left you to just sit there being some fucking awkward third wheel?  Could she _really_ not understand why you would rather just go hang out with Kar than tolerate that nonsense?

You held back those thoughts, too.

“Look,” she continued, “if you end up failing your test, then I promise I’ll never ask you to go to the aquarium again!  Just…this once, go with me?  Please?  I really miss you.  I miss…I really miss _us_.”

Fef could be a little shallow, and often times when she said she loved something it was more of in a “cutesy-wootsy-I-wanna-cuddle-it-to-death” sort of way.  But you knew she meant it when she said she missed you, because as angry as you were with her for always choosing Sol’s company over your comfort (seriously, could she _be_ any more rude), you missed her too.  You missed spending time with your best friend.  You missed the casual conversations that could turn suddenly deep and thought-provoking at any strange mention.  You missed being able to confide in her all your hopes and dreams—even the stupidest ones of wizards and trips to Hogwarts.  Hell, you even missed her social justice bullshit.

You really missed it when it was just…you and Fef.  No boyfriend.  No you running away to Kar.  Just the two of you.

So why were you rejecting a chance to have just that?

“… _Fine_ ,” you acceded with a sigh, rubbing your eyes under your wide-brimmed glasses.  “I’ll fucking…get changed.  And pick you up soon.”

You heard her gasp in excitement.  “ _Really?_ ”

“Yeah.  Just give me 20—”

A deafening, high-pitched squeal came from Fef on the other end before you could finish your statement, and it, aside from leaving a ringing in your ears, caused you to audibly groan in embarrassment for her.

Oh, the levels you’ve stooped to for this girl.  


* * *

 

  
Many would imagine a girl who comes from a family as rich and powerful as the Peixes one would probably have a line-up of vehicles to choose to drive from. And with respect to Fef, they would be right in that assumption.

The problem was she didn’t know how to _drive_ any of them.

Because her mother basically paid for Fef to show up in a limo to school every day (in the most garish display of wealth in the entirety of your private academy), and because no one in her family had ever really shown her how to drive, Fef had no license or driving ability.  So all the bright pink vehicles her mother bought her stayed in the garage gathering dust.  Fef didn’t even know _why_ her mother bought the cars in the first place, but she assumed it must have been for the same reason her mother paid for a school limo—just because she could.

You once told Fef you would try to help her learn how to drive, but then she almost crashed your Lexus.  That was the end of that. You decided for your and everyone else’s sake that it would be best if you were relegated to being her “driver” of sorts when she needed to get to somewhere other than school, or back home from school (the Peixes matriarch didn’t pay the limo to bring her home—“She’ll pay all the money in the world to send me away, but not a cent to bring me back,” Fef once said about the issue). It was a good set up, and you hardly ever complained about it even. It was all fine, until she started dating Sol and decided his shitty ’92 Corolla was better than a fucking _2010 Lexus_.  Since then, you had gotten used to not having to take Fef anywhere.

Driving to the aquarium with her in tow, then, was a big change. Glancing to the passenger’s side to check the mirrors and seeing her there for the first time in what seemed like forever almost felt surreal.  Even though it was nice to have her there like old times, it was clear she had lost her ease with you, and you with her.  She was keeping her hands folded in her lap while staring out of the passenger’s window, sitting stiff and straight as a board.  It was hard to imagine that months ago she would have been putting her feet up on the seat, dirtying up the interior just to annoy you.  And it was also hard to imagine that before you would have been babbling on and on at this point, letting one arm wave around dramatically while you explained your woes and worries to her, not nearly as focused on the road as you usually were without her. Not nearly as focused as you were then, staring straight ahead, both arms at the steering wheel, and only looking in Fef’s direction when you were checking your mirrors.

…Or were you using the excuse of checking the mirrors to look in her direction?  That seemed a troubling thought for whatever reason, and you went with the former explanation in your own head.

You couldn’t believe things had gotten so… _distant_ between the two of you.  You wondered if Fef felt the same. She must have, since she had been saying just as much for so long.

“So,” you began, trying to initiate _some_ form of conversation.  “Did…you do the biology homework?”

“Uhh…” Fef pondered.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I did it.”

“Oh, good,” was all you responded with.

 _Can you_ be _anymore awkward, Ampora?_ you chastised yourself.  _Yeah, start a conversation about homework, THAT’LL make her talk—_

“What about you?” Fef offered as you were silently insulting yourself, breaking you out of your trance of self-loathing.

“Huh?”

“Did _you_ finish the biology homework?”

“Oh…no,” you admitted.  “I’ve been having trouble with it, actually.”

Fef suddenly turned your way, a big smirk on her face.

“Is _that_ so?” she said smugly.

You scowled at her.  “What-the-fuck- _ever_ , Fef, I don’t need your condescension.”

Though you loved the sciences, they were admittedly not your strong suit.  Sure, the social sciences you had down pat, but when it came to the physical and life sciences, you barely scraped out B’s and high C’s on assignments and exams.

Fef, on the other hand, was a near _genius_ when it came to the life sciences.  She got better grades than anyone in those classes without even _trying_.

It was an upsetting topic.

“It’s not _my_ fault you spend your time reading biographies of Stalin whenever you’re in that class!” she said as you continued to scowl at her.

“That was _one time_!” you argued.  “And I had a big test on the Soviet Union during the Stalin era.”

“Yeah,” she said, “and by ‘big test’ you mean ‘a 10-question quiz.’  Was that reading even _assigned_ in your class?”

“It isn’t my fault the teacher’s a fuckin’ moron that assigns bullshit readings from old history texts that aren’t even _relevant_ anymore. I was readin’ that text to _correct_ the poor bastard.”

Fef broke out into laughter.  Even though you knew it was at your behest, you couldn’t fight your lips from curling upward in a smile to reflect hers.

You didn’t speak to each other the rest of the drive, but the mood had untensed quite a bit. Although things still felt chilly between the two of you, it somehow didn’t worry you—after all, you figured you’d have plenty of time to talk to each other at the aquarium.

It took more than a day to build Rome—certainly it would take some time to rebuild it as well.  


* * *

  
“Don’t worry about talking to her,” you said.  “There would be plenty of time to talk at the aquarium,” you said.

How you wished you could have had a chance to shoot your past self in the head.

Right when you got your tickets, she immediately ran from your side to a starfish tank, where she pressed her face to the glass, as if to emulate the echinoderms.

At first, you were simply startled at this.  You had gone with Fef to the aquarium before, but only when you were 10 or so, and didn’t really remember the incident, save for the fact that it was the first time your father actually _took_ you somewhere.  You figured she must have been excited to be back after all these years.

You walked and slipped yourself next to her, thinking your presence would alarm her to the fact that she was neglecting you.  When it didn’t immediately do that, you cleared your throat.  Still nothing.

As you were left to stare awkwardly at Fef while she stared intently at the apparently more interesting invertebrates, you decided you would try to strike up some conversation.

“Hey Fef—”

“ _Shh!_ ”

She didn’t even remove her face from the glass as she shushed you.  She didn’t even _look_ at you.  Fucking _rude_.

She ended up staring at the starfish for a full 20 minutes before going to the eels.  Then to the crabs.  Then to the lobsters.  You guys hadn’t even hit the bigger creatures, and she was already too enthused with a fucking _lobster_ to talk to you.  Every time you tried to say something or draw attention to yourself, it was always the same—you were either ignored or hushed.

When you had went to move on to the manatees, you tried doing bigger things to get her attention.  Sighing and groaning audibly.  Impromptu trust falls that she ignored.  You saw a conservative religious group having a tour of the aquarium, and you interrupted them because they apparently had _no idea_ how much homosexuality existed among seahorses.  You were sure Fef would _at least_ scold you for making some poor church going boy cry from the way you crushed his warped faith-holding innocence, but no such luck.  She just kept staring at the tropical fish exhibit.

When you had finally reached the dolphins, you were left leaning your back against the glass while Feferi peered into it, tapping your feet loudly at her utter refusal to acknowledge you.  _She_ was the one who asked you to come here.  _She_ was the one who wanted a chance to actually “hang out” with you.

So why the _fuck_ was she ignoring you?

You let out a long sigh in frustration.  “You _know_ , Fef, if I’d known I’d’ve been fuckin’ _ignored_ —”

“Hush!” she said, keeping her eyes on the dolphins.

You shot her a dirty look.  “What the _fuck_?  You know, I didn’t even wanna—”

“Sh.”

“Fef, why won’t you—”

“ _Sh._ ”

“ _Just **listen**_ —”

“ _Shhhhhhhh!_ ”

This time she had turned to face you, putting a finger to her lips as she shushed you one final time, before turning back to the glass.

You scoffed, and turned away from her.

 _Fine_ , you thought.  _If she’s gonna ignore me, I’ll fucking ignore her right back, this is the last time I’m_ ever _going to the aquarium with her, she can just_ forget _about “bonding” with me ever again…_

Your thoughts continued into an endless sentence of frustrated rants directed toward her as you continued to stare at the tank across from you, which held—surprise surprise— _more_ dolphins.  You honestly didn’t even know why Fef liked fish and sea creatures so much.  You sure as hell didn’t—unless, of course, you were fishing, or they were laid before you as food.

In flitting your gaze around to _anything_ that could possibly hold your interest in this waste-of-money-and-time-fish-cage, your eyes glanced back to Fef, thinking she might be done with the exhibit and ready to move on.  However, she was still looking at the dolphins swimming around.

You were about to look away in a huff, but then something about her kept your gaze—something you hadn’t really ever noticed about Fef before.

She gasped ever so lightly as she looked at the dolphins swimming in circles in front of her.  Her eyes seemed to widen and shine in a way that suggested genuine, childlike wonder.  A dolphin squealed from inside the tank, and you could tell she was just dying to squeal right back at it—but not like how she usually squealed.  It looked as though she was just dying to talk back to them, to _understand_ them.  It was like these creatures were her _equals_.

Fef talked a lot about equality, and it bothered you to no end for many reasons, the main reason being that she didn’t even really _believe_ in any of it.  If anything, she just wanted to swoop down and solve everyone’s problems for them, like some justified crusader of their rights.  You honestly thought the only reason she was with Sol was because she felt bad for him for being bipolar.  Sure, social justice in general was absolute nonsensical bullshit to you, but even _that_ you could stand more than a hypocrite.

But when she looked at those dolphins…somehow it looked as though everything in the world finally clicked for her.  Everything was harmonious and beautiful and who even _cared_ that the outside world was chaotic and ugly when dolphins could be content to swim in circles.  It may have been an idealized and naive way to look at the terrifying depths of the sea, but looking too idealistic never stopped her before.

You couldn’t tear your eyes from her, and she couldn’t tear her eyes from the brave new world unfurling before her.  You didn’t think she had ever even looked at _Sol_ the way she looked at these creatures.

She looked…she looked as though, for the first time ever, she was genuinely in _love_.

A foreign, unwelcome thought came then.

 _Why can’t she look at_ me _like that?_

“ _What?_ ” you had to ask aloud at the perverseness of the idea.  What kind of thinking was _that_?

“You say something?” Fef chimed in, and suddenly you really wished she had told you to hush like she had done every other time, because the way her eyes became slightly bereft of the life that was in them moments before made your stomache turn in shame.

“N-…nothin’, Fef,” you stuttered out.

“Look at them!” she exclaimed, grabbing your arm to turn you around to face the objects of her affection.  “They’re so _amazing_ …”

Her hand on your arms sent an electric shock through you, a sensation you never felt before from her touch.  Why was your face getting so hot suddenly?  You and Fef were used to each other grabbing and holding onto each other, why was it suddenly making your heart race?

What was _wrong_ with you?

Fef’s eyes went back to the dolphins, and the life that disappeared momentarily came back in a flood.  At that moment, you suddenly realized what you were feeling was far from friendly affection for your best friend.  You realized it went way deeper than even the trenches of the seven seas.

You didn’t want to put a name on it then.  You just wanted her to keep holding you like she was while looking the way she did.

“…Yeah,” you responded quietly to her statement.  “It’s amazing, alright.”  


* * *

 

   
“Thank you for coming with me, Eridan!”

It was nightfall by the time you guys left the aquarium.  On the drive home, she had a plethora of things to talk about—“The crabs were incredible!” “Didn’t you love the seahorses?” “I never knew that manatees could…”  She kept prattling on, and for the first time in your life you remained silent to it.

You were just dropping her off at her house as she leaned over your driver window, face too close for comfort.  You couldn’t hold that against her, though. How many times have you been face-to-face with each other in your life?  This was supposed to be _normal_ for the two of you.

“Yeah,” you said blankly to her statement of gratitude, making sure to look away from her.  You thanked God that you looking away from her was also pretty normal.

“I guess I kind of _ignored_ you the whole time, though,” she said.  “I’m _reeeeeally_ sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” you replied.  And to think if things had ended up differently, you would have been bitching about exactly _that_.  It seemed hardly important anymore.

“I guess I shouldn’t have dragged you to the aquarium,” she admitted.  “I get _soooo_ excited about all the animals there that I completely forget about everything else!”

“…I noticed,” you mumbled.  You meant it to sound more poetic than it did.  From the corner of your eye, you noticed Fef frowning, as if you were trying to rub salt in the wounds.  “I mean, it wasn’t a _bad_ thing, like…the seahorses were cool, so…”

And what did _seahorses_ have to do with it?  God, you were a mess.

“Actually,” you ventured bravely while fiddling with your scarf, “maybe we could sorta…I dunno.  Go there again.”

Fef’s eyes widened, and for a brief second you thought with horror that she might have taken a different interpretation to that offer, though it was the meaning you were secretly hoping she _would_ take from it.

But when she squealed and grabbed your neck for a hug, you sadly recognized she didn’t get your meaning.

“I’d _love_ to, Eridan!” she cried as she nuzzled her cheek against yours.

Plans were made for next Saturday, and you drove back home with thoughts of the day that transpired, and the revelation that had came about.  You still didn’t give a name to your thoughts and feelings—not until you were back in your room and collapsed on your bed.

There, as you felt the weight of your feelings pull you down, and as everything finally came together—why you despised Sol, why you couldn’t stand to see Fef with him, why it bothered you to be the one to drive her to his house, the meaning behind the unwelcome thoughts—you said the secret curse aloud.

“I’m in love with Fef.”

And as quickly as it came together, everything you ever thought you knew fell apart.


	2. Selfish Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to friends sometimes makes things better.
> 
> Sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in time to be late for Valentine’s Day! :D
> 
> Should be forewarned that Eridan makes some vaguely bigoted assertions about Karkat and Kanaya due to their respective heritages. Karkat has a father of Iranian descent and a mother of Columbian descent (he’s nonreligious), and Kanaya has a mother of Iranian descent with an unknown father (she’s Islamic). Eridan makes these assertions about the both of them because he’s a fucking asshole. PLEASE DON’T ASSUME ERIDAN’S VOICE IS MY VOICE.
> 
> Also there isn’t any real Feferidan interaction here. Mostly just Eridan moping about not interacting with her and Feferi not knowing what’s going on and getting peeved about it. Also, Eridan’s possessiveness and generally unhealthy behavior shows in this. Again, please take anything Eridan says with a grain of salt, and don’t believe for a second that he’s romantic or right in his views.
> 
> And finally, I’m sorry the text messaging looks a little sloppy, I was too lazy to make a skin for it. I hope it’s still possible to delineate between the texts and the narrative.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit _shit_.

All that studying you said you would do on Sunday.  Studying that you _didn’t end up doing_.  No, no, no, you had to go about the day sulking and cursing your miserable existence, instead of doing something productive.  Hell, studying might have actually gotten your mind off of everything.

Of course you would never get the chance to know that because instead of studying like you should have done, you were in A.P. Physics first thing Monday morning and _God_ were you fucked.

Question three mocked you in Georgia font, asking something about a car braking and whether its speed before braking could be determined without knowing its acceleration, giving you four different answers to choose from, and you knew in your mind that this was simple, that even you should know this.

But every time you thought you might have the answer, your mind would drift to when you pushed the brakes on your own car on the way back with Fef on Saturday, and how she breathed on the window and drew a fish, and how the windows were fogged up when you woke up to go to class that morning and you saw that fish and _Goddamn you were fucked in more way than one_.

The teacher sometimes passed by your seat as you gnawed on your pencil’s eraser and your knee uncontrollably bouncing, and would raise a curious eyebrow at you.  It only served to sour your mood even more as you fought the primal urge to glare at him until he left you be.  _“My father could buy you_ and _your pissant family,”_ you wanted to say every time his eyes met yours.

After a while of struggling through all the questions and your lack of answers to them (even the ones not on the test), you finally had to say fuck it, that this would be one bad thing to contend with, and that you would just have to deal with it.

You turned in the test with your head held high in false vanity, but the frown on your face spoke of the very real shame and self-defeatism you had resigned yourself to.  The rest of the morning’s classes came and went without further stress.  However, you could hardly focus all throughout them, daydreaming stupid ideas about the girl you could never have, and praying to God for lunch to come as soon as possible so you can finally vent them to the only people who could be bothered enough to care.

 

* * *

 

The academy you were enrolled in—drably titled the Suburban Academy of Knowledge—was a private one, despite what its name might suggest.  Also in spite of its name, it was far from an institution that housed middle class students in the suburbs surrounding it.  In fact, it was a house of education with a rich history of housing the children of the most powerful and elite.  Greatness was all but assured among the students who roamed these halls, guaranteed by birthright and namesake.  The surnames whispered in the halls—Makara, Zahhak, and, of course, your own Ampora—were the same names that did and would continue to rule the world.

…Of course, there were _some_ exceptions.

Plebeians who managed to get in through some major flaw in the system called “personal achievement scholarships.”  The Suburban Academy of Knowledge began giving these out some time ago, to placate the beggars and assholes who couldn’t handle the fact that their precious little children couldn’t fit in with the lot of you.

So in the face of this pressure, they gave a loophole to the whiny simpletons, letting their stupid fucking kids come around and taint the good name of the school for free (as opposed to the rest of you who had to pay _LIKE YOU WERE GODDAMN SUPPOSED TO_ ), given said children maintained a 3.5 GPA (basically _HANDING_ enrollment to these bastards).

It was kind of an unspoken rule to not talk to the Personal Achievement Scholarship winners (“P.A. kids,” as they were called), and it was one you followed for a long time.  No way were you going to be caught talking to some asshole whose parents made less than $250K a year—hell, $250K was _generous_ , in your mind.  But then…

Then Kanaya Maryam and Karkat Vantas happened.

Kan you became acquainted with via Vriska Serket, and your shared connection to her.  Kan had been Vris’s best friend since middle school (which was a shock to you), and you and Vris had had a sort of… _thing_ going on in high school.  And by thing you mean your father and her mother cheated on their respective spouses with each other, and thus ruined each other’s marriages, causing you to both hate and be head over heels in love with Vris, and her to barely tolerate you but use you nonetheless to satisfy her own needs.  Though Kan was some weird, dark-skinned Muslim girl of Iranian descent (who actually openly paraded her Muslim-ness by wearing a hijab for whatever fucking reason) with a single mother who worked as a domestic worker for the Serkets for a period of time, and though you were…well… _not_ any of those sad, pathetic things, you and her did have a shared trait in common for a period of time—you both were wildly attracted to the youngest Serket daughter.  Surprisingly, despite you having actually been in a romantic relationship with Vris, and her being in the “friend-zone” as you both referred to it as, she didn’t hate you nearly as much as she could have, nor you her.  Probably because neither of you ever thought anything substantial would come from neither your very real yet unstable relationship with Vris, nor her dream of a normal one with her.

Kar you became acquainted with via Kan, who happened to be cousins with him.  For whatever reason, she thought you two would get along and started a group chat with all three of you.  At first you refused to talk to the guy—all you knew about the kid at the time was that he sometimes yelled at people in Spanish and that he was probably half Mexican (he would later correct you and tell you he’s half Columbian).  But as you grew more comfortable around the guy, you realized he deeply enjoyed something you couldn’t even really share with Fef at the time—romantic gossip.  Celebrities, friends, strangers who dared glance at each other across the street…the two of you have discussed the romantic possibilities among many a person.  Suffice to say, Kan was completely right about you two getting along, and you’ve been the best of friends ever since.

It was these two P.A. kids that were in your last thoughts before the lunch bell finally rang and released you from your A.P. English class that Monday.  You knew if anyone would be willing to listen to your awful plight, it would be them.

You couldn’t leave the class fast enough, actually pushing people aside when they blocked the path in front of you.  Walking for speed, you headed toward the courtyard, where Kar and Kan usually ate.  To get there, you had to walk down the school’s first floor hallway, and through the dining hall—not a very long distance for you, as the class before lunch was only about fifty yards away from the dining hall entrance.

Just as you opened the doors to the room, you were greeted with a horrifying sound.

“ _ERIDAN!  OVER HERE!!!_ ”

You didn’t even need to turn toward the source of the sound to recognize Fef’s voice.  But you did anyway.

And there she was, sitting at a center table, waving at you like a maniac, motioning to a seat that was empty next to her, so very giddy and happy to see you.  She was surrounded by a few others, being as popular as she was, but there was only one you cared to see at all.

Sollux Captor took one look at you and very obviously groaned.  Fef noticed this and hit him playfully before giving his cheek a peck.

Your stomache turned.

Without even a second look, you turned away and marched toward the dining hall exit.  You were sure Fef would probably get angry with you later on that night, but right then you just had to leave and not think about how she might put her head on Sol’s shoulders so _affectionately_ , like the bastard could ever fucking deserve her like you did, like he should even have _had_ her like you should have.

When you finally got outside, the cool, refreshing air was a welcome change that of the dining hall, tainted by the toxicity of Fef being with Sol and not you.

“Jesus Christ, what happened to _you?_ ”

You barely noticed Kar sitting on a bench a few yards away from the door.  His eyes, as usual, had dark rings under them like he had gotten _maybe_ a solid two hours of sleep.  His school uniform, though clean, definitely showed signs of wear and tear.  In his lap was a paper lunch bag, its contents probably being some shitty excuse for food that even _rats_ wouldn’t touch—AKA his father’s cooking.

Suffice to say, if _Karkat Vantas_ of all people looks at you and thinks something’s wrong, there’s a good chance you look just as terrible, if not worse.

You sighed.  “Only the worst fuckin’ thing _imaginable_ , Kar.”

As you walked over to the bench, Kan—sitting next to him, and looking much cleaner and neat in her school dress and white hijab, but with an equally drab looking plastic bag lunch—raised a curious eyebrow at you.

“Theatrics _already?_ ” she said in a _much_ too genuine voice.  “But it’s barely _lunch!_ ”

“I don’t need this from you, Kan,” you bit at her as you let yourself fall gracelessly next to Kar.  “I’ll have you know I have a lotta shit on my plate, and I’d appreciate it if the lot of you could show me some goddamn _sympathy_.”

“Fucking _great_ ,” Kar said with a sigh of his own.  “And here I thought my lunch would be free of melodrama brought about by douchebag rich kids and their ridiculous ‘ _problems_.’”  He made sure to dramatize the word “problems” by adding mock air quotes around them.

You huffed.  “Are you even gonna _ask me_ what my problem is?”

“I honestly don’t even _want_ to,” Karkat stated, “but since you’re probably going to put my older brother to shame with your obnoxiousness about bringing the issue up every _five fucking seconds_ until I finally give in to your ridiculous wishes and _say_ something about it…I really don’t think I even have a fucking choice in the matter.  So _Eridan_ —you poor, _poor bastard_ —what _ever_ could it be that is troubling you so?”

You scowled at him.  “I’ll tell you what’s fuckin’ troublin’ me, even _if_ deep down you couldn’t be bothered to _care_ enough about my emotional bullshit.”

You paused for a moment.  In your head, it seemed so easy to just tell them what you were dealing with—to just tell them how you felt about Fef.  But being faced with its reality suddenly seemed very daunting.

You took a deep breath to prepare yourself, and the blurted it out.

“I’m in love with Fef.”

There was a moment of quiet where Kar and Kan just stared at you.  You waited for some motion of shock… _anything_ really.

That’s when Kar finally said it.

“…And?”

And?  _And???_

“Th…the fuck do you mean by ‘ _and_ ’!?” you exclaimed.  “That was _big confession_ to get offa my chest!”

“Um…” Kan began, a little hesitant.  “No offense, Eridan, but—”

“We knew,” Kar interrupted.

“…Yeah, basically,” Kan affirmed.

“You _knew!?_ ” you said accusingly.

“Well… _yes?_ ” Kan responded.

“ _How long!?_ ” you demanded.

“Hmmm…I found out while you were dating Vriska,” Kan explained.  “In fact, I remember comparing how you spoke about Vriska, as opposed to Feferi, and realized how _caustic_ you were when it came to the former, and yet how _glowingly_ you spoke of the latter.”

“Yeah, man,” Kar added.  “I had you pegged from the beginning, even before I met you.  In fact, nine times out of ten, I can usually guess whatever you have to say is gonna be about Miss Feferi Peixes.”

You couldn’t believe it.  All along you were prattling about Fef and practically proclaiming your love for her to these people, and they guessed all along how much you cared about her.  You felt like such a fool.

“You _knew_ ,” you continued, “and you didn’t _say_ anything to me?”

“…You mean you _didn’t_ know?” Kan said, with some shock in her voice.

“ _Of course not!!_ ” you yelled.  “If I had known, don’t you think I woulda fuckin’ said it _explicitly_ by now?  You think I’d be freakin’ out as much as I am!?  This is _all_ fuckin’ news to me!  Fef has been my best friend since _childhood_ , and not only have I just found out I’m in _love_ with her, now you’re fuckin’ tellin’ me I’ve been makin’ myself out for love-stricken asshole before even realizin’ I _was_ a love-stricken asshole…”

As you trailed off, you sighed, and put your face in your hands, feeling like the stupidest asshole who ever lived.  “God _damn_ it.”

“Dude,” Kar began with sympathy, “I’m sorry.  Really, I am.  But you can’t blame Kanaya and I because you’re a fucking asshole who can’t make heads or tails of your own feelings.”

“ _Karkat!_ ” Kan scolded him.

“ _What?_ ” Kar said defensively.  “I’m being _honest_ with him.  No offense, Eridan, but for being one of the smartest guys I know, you can be _really_ fucking dense sometimes.”

“That is _not_ how you comfort a friend, Karkat!” Kan continued to scold.

“No… _no_ ,” you mumbled, face and head still cradled in your hands.  “He’s right.  He’s fuckin’ _right_.”

You lifted your head from your hands, and turned to look at both Kar and Kan.  Despite the brutality of what Kar said, you couldn’t mistake the sympathy in Kar’s eyes.  Nor could you in Kan’s.

“I’m a fuckin’ dumbass,” you said.  “It’s so _obvious_ in hindsight how pathetically I’ve been crushin’ over Fef, and now I’m just…stuck feelin’ _sorry_ for myself, I guess.”

Sighing again, you crossed your arms across your chest, and looked away from the both of them.  You gnawed on your lower lip and asked an earnest question of them.

“What am I gonna _do?_ ”

They were silent again for a moment, as if they were just as confused about what to do for the situation as you were.  But finally, Kan spoke up.

“Well…it would appear to _me_ that your best option would be to…um…”  She trailed off.

“To _what_ , Kan?” you asked.

“To just… _tell her?_ ”

“Oh _hell_ no,” Kar spoke.  His sentiments mirrored yours because _fuck was that a dumb idea or what_.  “Telling her is completely out of the question.”

“What do you _mean?_ ” Kan asked a little harshly.

“I _mean_ that there’s literally no point in telling her something like that,” Kar explained.  “She’s with Sollux right now, and telling her something like that would only put a strain on both her relationship with Sollux _and_ her relationship with Eridan.”

“Precisely,” you echoed Kar.

“Nothing would be solved if he just outright _told her_ , Kanaya,” Kar continued.  “In fact, things would just become _worse_.”

Kan huffed. “Well then what do _you_ propose he do, Karkat?”

“Honestly?  Well…”

Kar paused for a moment, looking thoughtful.  You were sure whatever he had to say would be better than Kan’s foolish suggestion.

When he finally spoke, you were more than a little disappointed.

“Just…try to get over it on your own, I guess?”

“ _What!?_ ” you exclaimed.

“I mean,” Kar began to explain, “let’s look at it from a rational perspective.  Feferi is with Sollux, as _nauseating_ as that is for the both of us.”

You knew he meant it when he said that, because you and him had discussed Fef and Sol’s relationship as being doomed from the start.  They had hardly anything in common, and no actual attraction to each other, what with Fef probably just feeling sorry for him, and Sol being happy to have someone attracted to him.  And the fact that Fef took as much of Sol’s time with Kar as Sol took from Fef and you was a sore spot neither of you enjoyed.  You both had every reason to dislike the relationship.

“And even though I’m sure it’ll crash and burn like every other lovey-dovey high school romance, the fact that they’re together, and they don’t have any foreseeable intention to break things off.  So unless you wanna stew in your hormonal rage and lust, your best option would just be to make peace with the whole thing and try to get over it.”

What Kar said made sense.  You knew that it made sense even then.  Your honest to God best option would have been to just grit your teeth and deal with it.  But at the time, when Kar said those things to you…

All you could think about was seeing Fef in that dining hall with Sol.  How she giggled at him.  How she kissed his cheek.

And you were just so angry about it.  So angry because it should’ve been _your_ cheek.

“Fuck _that_.”

Both Kan and Kar seemed a little shocked at your outburst.

“Eridan?” Kan began tentatively.

“You’re tellin’ me I need to sit back and just be fuckin’ _okay_ with that grimy piece of shit _Sol_ puttin’ his hands all over Fef?”

“Excuse _me_ , asshole,” Kar began, “that asshole happens to be my _friend_ —”

“ _I don’t care!_ ” you shouted, stopping him.  “Fef was mine _way_ before she was Sol’s, what right does _he_ have to step in and try and take that away from me!?”

“ _Eridan!_ ” Kan tried to scold.  “Feferi doesn’t belong to _anyone!_   She’s a _person_ with _feelings_ , and—”

“I’m not letting him have her!” you said mostly to yourself, not even caring to listen to Kan at that point.  “I’m _not_ letting him _win!_ ”

At that, you got up and stormed off, too angry to continue speaking to either of them, as they clearly didn’t understand how you felt.  As you stomped away, you heard Kar calling after you in Spanish.

“ _Pinche idiota!_ ”

 

* * *

 

You didn’t pay attention to any of your classes for the rest of the day.  You were too angry, too frustrated with everything to care.  Even your history class you ignored.

All you could be glad for was that your rotating schedule between school days made it so you wouldn’t have to be in Biology that day, and thus wouldn’t have to see Fef.  The last thing you wanted or needed was to have to talk to her.

When school was over, you drove home as fast as you could, nearly getting a speeding ticket along the way.  Once home, you didn’t even _try_ to make small talk with your father (he would have just ignored you like he usually did anyway), stormed straight up to your room.  You almost immediately threw yourself to your studies, hoping to have something, _anything_ take your mind off Fef and your anger over the entire situation.

For a while, it was working.  You were actually getting quite into your biology homework, and doing rather _well_ you felt, when your iPhone buzzed dinged with a text message.

Your heart sank to the bottom of your stomache when you saw the sender, and opened the phone to properly read the message.

Fef

 **Today** 4:13 PM

_Eridan! Why did you ignore_   
_me and Shoallux at lunch_   
_today? 80_

Dear God, she even had a fucking _pet name_ for him.  Made into a stupid fish pun, as well.

It mostly pissed you off because you knew he probably didn’t appreciate or care about it as much as you would have.

You ignored the message, intent on finishing the homework.  Only five minutes later did your phone ding again, and even though you knew who it was, you couldn’t stop yourself from check the message again.

_Come OOOOONNNN!!! I_   
_thought us hanging out on_   
_Saturday would make us_   
_closer! WHY DO YOU INSIST_   
_ON BEING SO DISTANT!!?_

You scowled at the message.  Didn’t she realize the only reason you were being distant was because she was with _Sol?_   Didn’t she realize this was all _her_ fault!?

…No.  That wasn’t fair.  You knew that.

But that didn’t stop you from being angry at her.

You went back to your homework, intent on ignoring any new message that came.  But of course, when the next message _did_ come, you found yourself unable to resist temptation again.

It was almost sad how quickly you gave in when the phone dinged, you taking all of two seconds to deliberate reading it, and another second to look at your phone.

_What, so you’re not going to_   
_respond to my texts either!?_   
_UGH!!! You’re being SO_   
_ANNOYING RIGHT NOW!!!!_   
_> 8( Are you even going to go_   
_to the aquarium with me on_   
_Saturday like you said, or are_   
_you going to be too moody to_   
_do THAT too!?_

For a second, you really did consider responding and saying the “date” was off.  The last thing you needed to be reminded of was how beautiful she looked staring at the dolphins and the animals and _oh my God you were so fucking in love with her_.

But it was so unfair.  _So_ unfair that Sol got to have her all to himself, and you were relegated to seeing her watch sea creatures from behind a glass.  Sol, who could hold her, Sol, who could _touch_ her, Sol, who could…

In your racing thoughts, another message came.  This time you fought the urge a bit longer before you finally gave in and looked at the screen.

The tone of the message hurt you with its softness.

_Eridan…PLEASE just talk to me!_   
_We’ve been best friends since_   
_Kindergarten, but now it’s_   
_like…it’s like we hardly know_   
_each other. 8( I just wanna_   
_TALK to you._

_I just wanna talk to you too_ , you thought to yourself as you read the message.  Talking to Fef used to make everything better.  She used to be your sole confidante, and the only one you thought you would ever need.  You just wanted to tell her right then how you felt, how Sol didn’t deserve her and that _you_ were the guy she should really be with.

…But Kar was right.  That would just make things worse.

_…Eridan??_

The final message you received made your phone buzz unceremoniously, and this time you saw it not from any attempt to view it, but from the simple fact the phone was still in your hand when it came through.  Though it was hardly the center of your focus.

You realized you couldn’t live with this.  You couldn’t live knowing Fef was in love with anyone else.  It was selfish and petty, but fuck you just wanted her to _look at you_ like she looked at the aquarium creatures.

You just…wanted her to see in you what you saw in her.

A numbness washed over you—hollow and unfeeling.  You tried to ignore it, throwing yourself to the biology questions and math equations assigned to you, getting done with it all by 10 PM, all while ignoring your father and brother’s calls for dinner in the night.  But once you _were_ finished, the numbness was still there.

You crawled into bed, hoping that it would go away, that you might be able to sleep the feeling off.  But as you layed there, staring up at the ceiling blankly, all you could feel was an ever growing feeling like you were sinking, and there was no way you could be saved.

 

* * *

 

 **Today** 3:11 AM

_fef im sorry about today_

_i was…a little preoccupied_

_yes were still on for saturday_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! Eridan’s such a dick.
> 
> I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update this story, but I do plan on finishing it! It’ll just be…very sporadic. I do have my Their Revolution series to focus on, after all, as well as a bunch of real life things to deal with.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
